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Vampires Suck Review

Dinah’s Rating: 3/10
Player Affinity Composite Rating: 2.0/10
(2 reviews total)

It is so odd seeing a spoof movie that gets it so wrong — Vampires Suck — right on the heels of a satire that got it mostly right: The Other Guys. Vampires Suck is yet another humorless entry in the never-fading careers of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. These are the guys that brought you Scary Movie back in 2000 and nothing noteworthy since. It seems that the bloated box office of one film equals a painfully stretched 15 minutes of fame and horrible spoofs including Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, Date Movie and you guessed it Vampires Suck.

At their very essence spoof movies can easily lack originality. They merely mix and match the plots of earlier films, making caricature of the most memorable or overused moments or characters. Vampires Suck is quite lazy in its efforts to spoof the vampire craze sweeping both television and cinema. It simply mashes the stories of the first three “Twilight” films and throws in penis jokes, fart gags, and pop culture references. The writers wrongly assume that what they have successfully mocked in an entire genre of horror they can easily imagine with only three movies as their source.

There is simply no coherency in the story. Every conversation and every scene is simply leading you from one joke to the next without a shred of subtlety or finesse. The pop culture references inevitable in spoof movies are stale. For instance, a character laments her mother ran off with some pro golfer and raises up a magazine cover of Tiger Woods. His scandal was already covered in Hot Tub Time Machine nearly five months ago. These news stories aren’t timeless, so references to Woods, the Kardashians, and even the gang from Jersey Shore are major flops.
bella

The greatest failure is that the writers chose to zero in on a film that has very little sparkle in the first place. The leading role is played by newcomer Jenn Proske, a small ray of light in a film depicting the undead. She plays Becca, or Twilight’s Bella, with eerie precision. Proske makes a laborious, yet comical use, of bashful glances, shy hair tugging, and generally bland stammering to portray what is essentially one of the most boring teenage characters ever to spark a national phenomenon. Her costars Matt Lanter and Chris Riggi can’t hold a candle to her as the emasculated Edward and Jacob.

The comedy does succeed in satirizing the ravenousness of “Twilight” fans. In a sequence shown in the trailer, pimpled and braces-faced tweenage girls beat each other with shovels and weapons adorned in the t-shirt of their preferred hunky character. Later in the film Becca’s best friend points out how the book series’ inevitable ending diminishes the need for such trivial battles — though they rage on. The rest of the action in the film isn’t half bad, but like the source material these scenes are not a focal point.

vampiresgrrr

Vampires Suck
captures the inherent cheesiness of creatures in need of a suntan that hiss like angry cats. But pairing a lifeless plot with even more lifeless characters can only mean a flat result.

A family of five sat in front of me in the theater, complete with three young children. At the completion of the movie the boy, about eight years old, announced, “that was so dumb.” Yeah, what he said.

Rating: 3/10

Vampires Suck
Written and Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, and Ken Jeong

Other Player Affinity Reviews

Simon thought: “I can’t believe I even partially convinced myself that this latest film from directors Friedberg and Seltzer might be better than their past “efforts.” Even at that mercifully short running time, it was a torturous slog to sit through Vampires Suck. I was about to give this movie a rating of 2/10 (a prestigious accolade) until I realized there was still 25 minutes left. To make a successful spoof, one must parody good or classic material and the “Twilight” series is neither. It is simply meant to capitalize on the vampire fad and to criticize a “bad” series when they have made the worst movies of the decade is simply infuriating. Not only that, do Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment have no legal recourse against this?  There must be more than a few infringements on their material. Certain jokes are not jokes at all but simply stating lines from the films script in a visual way which continues their trend of making sure you see and understand the jokes instead of being subversive in any way. There is a certain underlying charm in watching the most juvenile and charmless satirists lampoon a film series to such mirthless and embarrassing results, but I would still rather they stop all together. Vampires may suck, but so do they.” Rating: 1/10

Player Affinity Composite Rating: 2.0/10

Rating
2.0

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