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10 Characters TV Could Do Without

Who would you like to kill off on your favourite show? Below are my pick of the 10 characters I would happily see drive off a cliff, or die in suspicious circumstances. Feel free to call me out on my choices and pick your own in the comment section.

10) Fiona Glenanne - Burn Notice

Burn Notice follows Michael Western, an ex-spy turned vigilante/white knight. The character of Fiona is simply put, a gun for hire with a conscience backing up Michael when he needs it, whilst simultaneously pursuing an on/off relationship with the American James Bond.

Fiona is Irish, however, her unconvincing accent was almost immediately dropped with little explanation, other than her desire to integrate into the Miami scene. She now speaks in a generic Californian accent, that she strangely maintains even when alone. Even more bizarre is the fact that the character has ties to the very real Irish Republican Army (IRA) which, pre-9/11, were the greatest terrorist threat to the British Isles, having detonated a number of bombs and murdering innocent people in both London and Northern Island. This to an English person is equivalent to having a member of Al Qaeda as Michael’s best friend.

It is also worth noting that she is unhealthily thin and clearly struggles to lift a handgun and the prominance of the collagen pout aimed at disguising the 40 year old actress’s real age whilst she struts around in a bikini and hot-pants.

Real women have curves, age graciously and aren’t terrorists!

9) Peter - Heroes

Arguably the central character in the inconsistent action Drama; Peter is convinced he needs to save the world and the only way to do so is to repeat the same mistakes over and over again, whilst in the pursuit of 'saving' every person he’s ever met.

If an old woman was standing by the edge of the road, then Peter would break her arm trying to help her across and then get Sylar to look after her whilst he stole an Ambulance.

The final proverbial straw was watching him decide he needed to wake up the serial killer who butchered his brother, all because he saw him tell a deaf girl he was going to help her... in a dream! Please Peter, stop helping people, what did they ever do to you?

8) Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace - Battlestar Galactica

Starbuck, one of the most prominent characters in the much loved Battlestar Galactica, featured in all five seasons and was fundamental to the story of the Human fight against the Cylons. But frak me, if she wasn’t high maintenance. Portrayed as an emotionally damaged, but exceptionally talented pilot, she behaved like a hormonally unbalanced, spoilt teenager and put both Lee Adama (long-time love interest) and Samuel Anders (husband) through hell, as they tried desperately to keep up with her wild mood swings and infidelity. Her masculine mannerisms and brutish demeanour made it all but impossible to sympathise with the character’s flaws and her more sexually charged scenes were more uncomfortable to watch than the time I walked in on my Dad and his best friend Craig doing, what in hindsight, definitely wasn’t wrestling.

7) Dana Walsh - 24

Ok, there maybe a slight pattern emerging, but let me justify my position. Dana Walsh is a data analyst for CTU in the final series of 24. At first, she was a stern-faced victim of blackmail, which she handled like a naïve schoolgirl who just can’t say no to bad boys. She then, in one of the biggest u-turns in TV history, becomes the 86th mole that has managed to infiltrate the counter terrorism unit (ok, I‘m exaggerating, but they might want to invest in some kind of background check, or look at employment history as they do in high security venues... and Walmart).

The writers clearly realised how unpopular both the character and her sub-plot were and so decided to completely re-write it, regardless of the fact that it contradicted her prior behaviour and motivations. Oh well, at least it got rid of her and gave Jack an excuse to shout.

6) Mary Connell - Las Vegas

Originally a wholesome country girl, Nikki Cox’s strange addiction to cosmetic butchery betrayed her character on the show. As her lips began to overshadow (sometimes literally) the rest of the cast and story, there were times that I would have to stop mid-episode to search the web for some kind of explanation as to why her face looked primed to explode.

To counter this, the writers slowly worked her out of the show, but it was to the anger of many fans who followed the relationship between Mary and Danny. This may be the only case of an actress written out of a show because she no longer looked anything like her character.

5) Dr. Helen Magnus - Sanctuary

My dislike for this character has more to do with the way Amanda Tapping chose to portray her, as opposed to the actual script. The accent she performs is so strange to my ear, that I found I was often ignoring the words she was saying, whilst I was hypnotized by the way she had said them. Not even Dick Van Dyke rivals the number of dialects Helen Magnus slips in and out of and so inconsistent is her voice, that many have argued that she is simply performing a kind of composite accent created from all the places she has lived in her extended life. I’d be more inclined to believe that maybe Amanda Tapping is simply a bit crap at accents.

4) Phoebe Buffay - Friends

Friends is adored by millions of people worldwide and there will obviously be many people who vehemently disagree with me. Having said that, to me anyway, Phoebe was the weak link in the group who began life in the show as a ditsy hippy and slowly morphed into a female Joey and then simply a parody of herself.

As endearing as morons can be, repetitious jokes about Regina Phalange
and decidedly unhilarious songs about smelly cats, began to grate on many viewers nerves and Lisa Kudrow’s acting skills certainly didn’t allow for much evolution to the character. Her portrayal of childbirth was captivatingly unconvincing, as she sniggered through clenched teeth, like someone who has their toe caught in the vacuum cleaner.

We await with baited breath her Joey spin-off, where she pulls up to five hilarious facial expressions per episode and sings songs about chair legs and/or doughnut holes.

3) Penelope Garcia - Criminal Minds

Penelope Garcia is the BAU’s resident analyst and through no fault of her own, is a cardboard cut-out stereotype of a computer nerd. Overweight and deceptively self-conscious, she is made up in a variety of quirky clothes, makeup and hair styles. Much like NCIS’s Abby Sciuto (we‘ll get to her soon), she acts as the social misfit in the team, the piece of ‘alternative’ that TV shows often insist they need to satisfy the geek demographic.

Her relationship with Derek Morgan, which is supposed to portray a kind of  brother-sister intimacy, actually results in a patronising series of pats on the head by the Special Agent:

Garcia - What can I do for you my bronzed Adonis?
Morgan - Oh stop making me blush you chubby maniac.

Luckily, she is incredibly skilled with computers and electronics. Unfortunately,
apart from the familiar sound of a keyboard being tapped really, really quickly, the viewer isn’t given much insight to her skill. Having said that, she is a geek and everyone knows geeks are good with computers… and stuff.

2) Abby Sciuto - NCIS

Miss Sciuto has an army of supporters and although I acknowledge and respect their opinion, I am compelled to rant about my dislike for the character. My main issue with the Forensics Specialist is the fact that she is a complete oxymoron. A scientist with several degrees, that believes in the occult, sleeps in a coffin and behaves like a child on a sugar rush. I simply cannot reconcile the idea that a grown adult with that kind of intellect, would act like the 16 year olds who smoke cannabis at my local cemetery.

I understand that she, as a character, fills a certain niche in the show and acts as a catalyst for Gibbs to display his much guarded softer side, but as a forensic specialist it just defies logic.

1) Tyler Evans - V

If you’ve read any of my reviews of V, then you probably saw this one coming a mile off. Tyler is the embodiment of a frustrating fictional character. One that makes all the wrong decisions, is easily lead by others and that takes screen-time away from characters you are actually interested in.

The actor who plays Tyler has an unfortunately sickly sweet appearance and this is accentuated by his teenage crush on Anna’s daughter. Each half smile and bashful look away is painful to watch and even though the show hints at a revelation surrounding his origin, he still remains an incredibly shallow character, remarkable only in his naivety

His personality currently floats between whiny and soppy and due to his necessity as a kind of liaison between the events on the ship and those within the resistance, it seems like he may be here to stay. Which is quite unlike his disappearing best friend, who has vanished without reference since the 3rd or 4th episode.


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