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You know who doesn’t like Captain America? Communists! You know who else doesn’t like Captain America? Nazis! So, when Sega makes a Captain America video game, and only
releases it for consoles, what they’re really doing is calling us PC gamers a
bunch of Commie, Nazi scum! That’s
why we should demand that the upcoming tie-in game to the Captain America movie
be ported to PC as soon as possible.
I’m so patriotic that I eat terrorists for breakfast and crap eagle eggs, so when some game company implies that my platform of choice isn’t good enough for Captain America, it makes me want to throw a vibranium shield at the developer. I didn’t get the chance to play Cap in Marvel VS Capcom on my PC, and I also couldn’t play as Cap in Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 on the PC either. Am I implying that this a vast conspiracy between Capcom, Activision and Sega to paint us PC gamers as a bunch of goose-stepping fascists? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m implying!
So how do we fix this situation? Simple; port Captain America: Super Soldier to the PC as soon as possible, and include some extra features to maximize the experience for PC gamers.
Why It Would Work On PC
First of all, us PC gamers were blowing away Nazis in Wolfenstein 3D decades ago. Back when those console gamers were still rescuing princesses, we were shooting cyborg Hitler in the face with a gattling gun. We know how to kill Hitler better than any other gaming demographic. So, logically when the fate of the free world is at stake, and the Third Reich is on the move, you’ll need to come to us PC gamers to get the job done. Waggling a Wiimote at the Red Skull isn’t going to stop his villainous plot. You need to show him you mean business with a 200-dollar gaming mouse.
On top of that, Captain America: Super Soldier will use a “Free Flow Combat” system witch sounds a lot like the fighting system from in Batman Arkham Asylum. That game had a PC adaptation that worked very well on the PC setup; the two basic combat commands were simple to use when mapped to the mouse buttons, and bat-projectiles were easily aimed with the mouse. All of this seems quite similar to throwing a red white & blue shield at bad guys, while jumping around using Cap’s acrobatic combat style.
What PC Exclusive Content Could It Have?
Patriotic mods. That’s what’s great about being a PC gamer; you can modify your games, so the PC version of Captain America could come with a modding system to let us make our own missions for Captain America to take on. Whether it’s punching Stalin in the face, kicking Osama Bin Laudin in the crotch, or throwing a vibranium shield at the liberal media, PC gamers would come up with all sorts of red-blooded all-American activities for our hero.
Unfortunately, this is probably not going to happen. The game comes out in three months, and no mention of a PC port has hit the press as of yet. On top of that, the developer, Next Level Games has previously only worked in console development. Still, no one calls me a Commie and gets away with it!