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Have you ever gotten through (or god forbid) enjoyed a bad movie simply because you were inebriated at the time? All those Ed Wood’s and Friedberg Seltzers out there should be praising the sauce and its ability to make dreck cinema tolerable. In honour of the release of stoner comedy Your Highness, which finds its stars under the influence of all sorts of funky stuff, Player Affinity has assembled this helpful pamphlet to help you get through those dark movie times.
ALCOHOL AND MARIJUANA
Alcohol is third, only to
downloading and marijuana, as the major cause of enjoying bad movies in The United States.
Each year, for Americans aged 15 years and older, it’s estimated 800,000 people
smile, and 540,000 laugh at bad movies due to an inebriated state in
THE EFFECTS OF THESE DRUGS
The effects of alcohol and weed on a crappy film will vary for each individual. The following factors can influence the person’s level of enjoyment while intoxicated:
Drinking or toking small amounts can
result in the person feeling less annoyed/cheated out of their money, more relaxed and happy. In large amounts, people may experience problems with coordination,
confusion, slurred speech, blurred vision and dizziness (all preferable to the
product on display) and feeling sick, vomiting and passing out, though the
latter effects are likely due to the showing of House of the Dead and not the drug. These substances, specifically alcohol, can intensify negative
emotions and is often linked to violence/throwing popcorn at the screen.
Violence is not appropriate in any situation outside the movie theatre, so if
using these substances contributes to a person becoming violent, they should think about
changing either their drinking habits, or paying more attention to Roger Ebert.
SOME STREET SLANG
Grog, Weed, Booze, Grass, Piss, Marry Jane, Sauce, Pot, Brew, Chronic, Juice, Boll, Ratner
SAFER MOVIE WATCHING
Bad films are a toxic
substance and like all toxins, when you are exposed, you will feel certain
effects. When watching a shitty flick it’s a good idea to know how to do so
safely and responsibly. Avoid eating a decent meal before drinking as it will
in all likelihood end up in a waste bin. Arm yourself with no smaller than a large popcorn in preparation for the munchies or if alcohol is your substance of choice, bring a small flask for appropriate spiking of an overpriced fountain drink. Be sure to follow the recommended exposure guidelines as well; limit yourself
to no more than one
It is important to never watch movies alone, and if you drink or smoke up, DON’T drive
The guidelines for safe movie watching are 1 movie per year for Uwe Boll and 2 views per day for Paul W.S. Anderson. As an illustration, let`s look at alcohol. A standard drink contains 10gms of pure alcohol, so drink accordingly. Some examples are:
*A large glass of wine may
hold 2 or more standard drinks (so I’d go with this).
SOME SPECIAL CONCERNS FOR MEN
For some men, lack of alcohol or weed use when attending a poor-calibre film with a date could increase their risk for:
Binge watching while sober is a serious issue as people are more likely to put themselves or others in dangerous situations such as an empty wallet, dead brain cells, refunds, or arrests following vocal protest to the movie theatre owner. In addition, binge watching without stimulation may result in general embarrassment about what the hell of which you have just been a part, which many deeply regret later. It is important not to mix bad movies without the aid of alcohol or marijuana because of possible interactions and it is difficult to gauge how much has been consumed. If you are going to watch a bad movie sober it is wise to plan how you are going to get home as your dazed state may lead to injury. Make sure you have enough money to get a taxi or bus, or buy some booze (then skip to your dealer) to quickly strip all memory of the experience from your mind.
FINAL FAST FACTS