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The 5 Essential Tools for Vampire Hunters

Vampires, man. Like humans (hey, they were once the same), they come in any number of shapes and sizes. Some can fly, turn into a bat or run really fast. If they can do the last one, you’re pretty much screwed and this list can’t help.

Not every vamp wants to kill you though: you’ve got your sparkly vampires and your mainstreaming vampires trying to give back. Then, you’ve got your psychotic, overpowered and hyper-sexualized vamps who take what they want, not unlike Jerry (Colin Farrell) from this weekend’s new release Fright Night. When encountering a Type Dick vampire, here are a few (fun!) tools of the trade to get you to daytime.

Note: Wooden Stakes did not make this list. If you don’t know you need one of these then just let the vampire kill you.

Chainsaws…with Silver
For the sadistic in all of us. The quickest way to a vampire’s heart (literally) is to cut the f***er out. If you’re able to subdue a vamp long enough to keep, get them with the tool of hic…ugh, kings! It’ll feel regal because you’ll be lining the blade with silver, said to weaken vampires and even burn them. So not only will the cut hurt…it’ll burn.

You can hire him to kill vamps. None of 'em want to bite him.

Shotgun (Wooden Buckshot)

Bonus points for irony if you find one that looks like a cross. Holy objects are a bit of a joke to most vampires, until you pelt them with some homemade wooden buckshot. The best bit about shotguns is they cover a fair amount of ground, radial-wise. Helps if your vamp happens to be going pretty damn fast. Get 'em down fast. Then release your inner FPS, and go for the head!

Like one barrel? Try three. Instant love.

Donated Blood Bags

Think of these like little grenades that don’t blow up but buy you time. Vamps are like sharks; with blood in the water, all bets are off on them getting to it. Make no mistake, they like their food coming from a beating heart, but you’ll peak their interest long enough to drop a trap on them or sacrifice your dumb teammate as a diversion. Naturally, we don’t know how you’ll get your hands on these bags…*wink*

Type O: for all your needs Vampire.


Bad vamps need love too. Or the very least sex—and that’s your right(?); just use protection (see above). If they at least think of you as a pet, they won’t kill you right away. Take your time, learn their routine and then, whilst they lay in a field of flowers sparkling, stake ‘em! Stake ‘em through the heart! Make them feel pain! That’s what love is all about. No creature would understand that better than the vampire. (Yes, I know this one was not for a psychotic vamp…but it works just as well).

             Don't...make a wooden stake joke.

Super Soakers…with Holy Water
The irony is while holy objects don’t usually do s**t to a vamp, holy water is not their cup of tea. Think of it like a supernatural pepper spray. It’ll sting bad, go a fair time and give you a real excuse to whip out the super soaker after years in the garage. I imagine it’s not what the companies thought of when they put their commercials together, but who cares! You’ll be burning vamps and feeling nostalgic!

   Even kids love killing!


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