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And that’s why the French don’t wash… oh hi! I’m Tristan Wong, one of the writers of Player Affinity, and today I have decided to do something a little different this time around. I have recently bought this pack on steam, it’s the coolest thing in the world and I thought the deal was too good to pass up. So I got off my ass and got the credit card and I bought… drum roll please.
I got the…
ID super pack!
Yeah this super pack, big whoop want to fight about it?
All these great classic games that started what we know today are now in my hands and I have decided to do a little feature known as the… “Back to the Future, or past… back to the past in the future!” which will allow me to go back in time and look back at games today. I just recently started playing Doom, so let’s take a look at the first one.
If you don't know this guy, then you will deplete my faith in people.
We start out as doom guy, aptly named because he’s doomed on mars, and he just happens to be a guy (I’m sure in the future, they were devoid of women). When you look back in time and at this game, you wonder how this passed as a great game when you compared it to recent shooters (especially Doom 3). Well it took a while for me to get a grip on the whole magic shot mechanic… I mean I had to stare at a wall and shoot in hopes I hit an evil demon man above me (in the future, we will be neck paralyzed—don’t forget to tell your kids when we get to mars). Then I had to get over the whole no mouse thing… (Who cares, mice are for pansies) then I had to do corridor crawls on ultra-violence, because only cowards play on normal… *laughs manically*.
This man is laughing at you when you play on easy mode, your argument is invalid.
I’m used to shooters giving me a pretty big rifle—an M4, a Pulse Rifle, a Rocket Launcher, or hell a big baseball bat, but this one gave me a pistol. This weenie little midget of a gun can’t hit the broad side of a barn and to make things much worse, I still haven’t found the trademark shotgun!
God-dammit, go be bald somewhere else.
But the fun doesn’t stop there! There are still plenty of things I must say about Doom before I end this segment. I switch my pistol out for something else because I can’t hit anything from a couple yards away… so I press one and… I FIND THE FIST’O’DEATH!
Kiss thy hand sir, and your wish will come true…
The pistol may be fun to kill things with… but never in my life had I had this much fun punching people in the face. I mean, it’s like fighting but you’re not. Why not give peace a chance, many ask—well I’m sorry but who could resist the temptation to punch a demon in the face?
Your wish—oh… whoops.
But the fun doesn’t stop there. Later I found a secret thingy that makes thingies look like… well like weaker thingies. I mean if a thingy had a baby with doom guy, then this is what they would birth.
Doom guy realizes his dream.
I mean, I was floored by this. I thought Gears of War had me in love with the chainsaw, but Gears ain’t got nothing on the original chainsaw. I mean when was the last time you were able to take on a towering hell spawn, a pink demon (yep, pig man is back), or a squad of evil dudes with a chainsaw? I thought so.
This dream… to become a LUMBERJACK! It was just too bad no one took to hiring him.
So that hereby concludes part one of the Doom segment of this feature. Stay tuned in next week for part two of this game!