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And that’s when I realized that perhaps tripping acid wasn’t such a good idea while eating cheese with cinnamon's sprinkled on top while laughing at Midgets eating tubes. Oh hi, you almost gave me a heart attack! I’m Tristan, back with another top five edition… and stuff, oh my god this is good cheese… oh my god, it’s orgasmic. I shouldn’t eat it or I’ll get carb fat, but it’s sooooo good! Oh... sorry, back on topic.
I’ve been looking around for ideas and since I’m a huge nut for this stuff, I thought I’d give it a crack and see what you all thought of it. I love Science-Fiction... I really do. I recently read Dune, finished the Mass Effect books, and beginning my trek through the Halo novels (eww…), so I consider myself a bit of an addict to such a genre. But there is a fine line dividing good sci-fi and terrible sci-fi and games on the 360 sort of define the fine line. Don’t get me wrong, there is good ones out there, but they always somehow stumble upon clichés that just make it seem so… dull. For story purposes, it’s cool, but can we make them a little less obvious?
So here it is…
TOP FIVE WORSE SCIENCE FICTION CLICHES EVER!
NUMBER FIVE: ALIEN INVASION OF EARTH
Looking at Earth.. this guys all like... DO WANT!
How many times have I heard this one… I mean, I’m walking around town with a cup of joe in one hand and a hustler forum in the other and all of a sudden… ALIENS SHOW UP! Wow… and when I’m sitting here trying to read why Bobby was doing ploughing his mother, of all times to have a mysterious alien show up. Honestly, when hasn’t this happened in video games. I mean, why can’t they go invade Mars or something, there are things there, right? Or were they attracted to that Calvin Klein billboard we have hanging over Wall Street? I mean, what makes our planet so attractive to Aliens out there? I’m just totally envisioning this scenario where this one aliens all like…
“I can’t eat this… or I’ll get fat,” says one alien who plays with his beer pot belly.
Then one of his friends is all like,
“I went to this place and heard of Jenny Craig’s, we should take you there to shed all that unwanted poundage, I mean it’s Basaolol season!” then they get here, then our military starts cussing at them, then they shoot us and threaten to destroy our planet. Then I’m sitting here laughing, then they eat me, then they make me their slave, then they impregnate me, then I’m dead… like a boss. Guys, let’s just stop with this Earth Invasion and lets go invade a different planet for once, go take Pluto… it ain’t no planet no more, so no one will care.
NUMBER FOUR: WHO HATES US NOW? OH, THAT RACE.
Remember Jesus from fifth grade? Yeah that guy's a jerk... like all his friends.
Ok, it’s a beings nature to hate another for a reason many are too vague to elaborate on, but do you really think when we get out into the real world that someone is just going to start hating on us? I mean, what did we do that was just so ghastly that they had to start be hating on our woman, aye? Like, did we just steal their lunch money? Did we kick them square in the nuts when we went to that first Galactical meeting or something? Oh my god, is Clinton trying to bed another one of their queens? So like, what the hell just happened right?
I mean, it could just be for story purposes for all we know… but then look at it all, the similarities between many of the sci-fi games out there that deal with space just make it all seem so… derivative. It’s a path that many of the stories take, another race hating us for reason they make too vague and in all hindsight, it can get really irritating. I mean, I want to see a game where all the races get along and give hugs and kisses to those who pass by. Perhaps we can lay down our swords and have a nice cup of joe and talk our differences like civilized men.
NUMBER THREE: MEN ARE MEN, BUT SEXISM IS FOREVER!
I can’t remember the last time there was a strong female lead in any of the sci-fi stories I’ve played through, aside from the rare strays that just appear from the clear-blue sky. I mean, Samus was really strong (shocking, I know), and Mass Effect did a decent job (it was ambidextrous, so you can’t really call it a female lead… you could call it the hermaphrodite lead because it could’ve been either) but not many other games followed the trend. I mean, are women so mystical that we must not put them in the lead role?
“Don’t put them in the light, they’re so mystical that light would melt their face!” I got news guys, women aren’t beings we should fear not to put in the light, I mean… Ellen Ripley! Come on guys, she was the first step forward into the male-dominated genre… we all shame her for not following them footsteps. Sci-fi after sci-fi and the same male lead kicks off the way (maybe a saying of all the male writers in the genre… hmm,) I mean, it’s a damn sausage fest and frankly I’m sick of looking at it. I mean I look left… penis, right… penis… up, nutsack… down, tip of penis obscured by man with doo-rag. See what I mean? Let’s get the women in here… please, for my own sanity!
NUMBER TWO: I SEE A FEMALE IN… SHORTS?
She's, factually, nude... someone just spray painted her gray. Damn kids these days.
Sex sells, and that’s understandable in many instances… I mean, can’t make that buck unless we strip women down to their skivvies. So essentially, if you can carve that ass into a perfect mold, you are bound to make millions and makes me facepalm in mere thought. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the few of two moons in dawn light, but when I have to watch the briefing or a really tense scene where bombs going off, goats punched up against the wall, the teachers frying in sun light, and perhaps a dog dry-humping the legs of dead men whilst you sit on top of that cliffside alongside her… kinds of kills the mood of the scene and makes me shut-off the 360 in dismay… less she bends over, then I guess I have to make an exception.
The scenes make you think as well, I mean… when was skin-tight clothing ever able to help the average soldier in the field. Obvious anime influence and it can be very irritating in many cases—here is a comparison, Marcus Fenix rocking some awesome titan stuff… then you have an average Asari soldier, or perhaps better yet, that Siren from Borderlands. Sure she’s a merc, but in that outfit? Sex sells, but defeats logic in any universe you try to make. When did logic shout, I want to see cleavage in the midst of harrowing suppressive fire? I thought so... go away sex appeal and let logic seep into the equation for once.
NUMBER ONE: GEE, LET ME GUESS… SUPER-DUDE CAME TO SAVE THE DAY?
Our hero submitted himself to tentacle porn... your argument is invalid.
What is that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Chuck Norris with a BB gun? Oh no… it’s yet one guy, here to rescue us from the dangers of this army approaching with their own theme music… oh gee and ones sick. Again, another logic bender as now you have this one guy… one guy, who said to be pretty good taking on a force that a squad of eight soldiers could never take. I mean what in the hell did we pay you for? Take Halo for example… tell me when those marines were able to it the broad side of a moon? When were those marines able to take an Elite thingy horse man out with ease?
“Oh no, this Elite stole my shoe, oh Chief, can you kill him for me? “
“Why can’t you?” Chief snaps back. “There is a rifle next to you,”
“The Elite called me fat…”
From there, Chief would just sigh and do what he’s told to do… totally whipped and you know it. Everyone puts their hopes on this one group, or person to do the job many of the marines under their command could hope in doing. I mean, one squad taking the on the goliath of armies… makes you wonder what the point of having an army is, right? I mean, just fire the rookies, and just send this one squad to take care of everything.
“My, my… I have spilt my coffee, oh super-dude?”
“Get me a coffee, would you be a dear?”
“Get the rookie to do it…”
“I would, but this calls for an elite soldier like yourself.”
For once I would like to meet a soldier who is competent enough to do the job like I do all the time in-game. For once I would like to play a game where the AI is competent to take on more than just one guy at a time. For once I would like to stop throwing my controller at the wall because of terrible AI. For once I would like to see no more super-teams doing all the work, without so much as an argument. Fight back and get that time of relaxing from command!