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I recently discovered a lovely picture that discussed the many things that you shouldn’t do on Xbox Live. Now since they missed a variety of things involving such etiquette, I’m going to do a article on the five things you shouldn’t be doing on Xbox Live because… well, there are douchebags out there that are going to call you on these aspects and well… I want to save your well-being ass from the threat of douche baggery out there, so with no further a due, here is…
TOP-FIVE SILLY THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T DO ON XBOX LIVE (BASED OFF THINGS I HEARD ONLINE)
NUMBER FIVE – SANSKRIT, A LANGUAGE UNKNOWN…
This isn’t a threat to those who know the language, but there are douche-bags who enjoy the English types more than the others. I mean, this language will not serve you well out in the open canvas’ of Xbox Live. This is a language full of weird sounding consonants, awkward sounds… and well, it’s Sanskrit. I mean, do you honestly think if you speak this language, you’re going to be smart to the others? I thought so. I once met this guy named Dr. Bobosososs La Bamba the Third on Xbox Live, and he thought it would be cool to learn the language of Sanskrit to impress the woman (they weren’t woman… it took me a while to figure this one out but it turned out to be a ten year old Brit who thought it would be fun to act like a chick in the midst of horny thirty year-old men) in the room at this time in a game of Call of Duty.
Well, so we’re sitting there… he’s got freetranslation.com open and we’re wondering what the hell’s going on. So we’re kicking this little kids ass, then he goes all Hindi on us (sorry if this story offends) and we’re just like… “Shut the **** up dude,” and he continues regardless, to the moans of this kid… well, the moral of the story is if you’re not Indian, please for god-sakes don’t learn the language—trying to speak the language in a room full of douche-bags, virgins, hicks, rednecks, kids, and douchers, you are the one who will… I repeat, you will be called an ass, and will be reported to the cyber-police. So if I were you, de-learn the language immediately.
NUMBER FOUR – DO NOT ACQUIRE OR ASK FOR SURPRISE BUTT-SEX
Now, I’m not sure who the genius behind this one was… but it was an awkward show-stopper that really made me shiver in fear as I sat in my chair, listening to these tard-bags go at each other’s necks for winning a game of Search and Destroy. I mean, why would you ask for this? Who’s the genius who started this trend? I am damn sure they ain’t no hooker service on Xbox… I’m damn sure there aren’t any sick “John’s” out there looking for surprise butt-sex Xbox-live style, it’s unethical and just down-right sickening. I come to Xbox Live to play games and smile whilst I do so… I don’t want my virgin ears to be tarnished do to your sick inability to procreate outside of this online service—I don’t think anyone else wants to hear about your sad sex life. So in other words… if you want to request such a thing, please say five Hell Mary’s, spin madly in a circle, and blow a whistle so hard a boob falls out. Thank you…
NUMBER THREE – WOMAN, THE FIGURE ON THE PEDESTAL.
I’m not sure if it’s me… I’m not sure if it’s because of the claustrophobic atmosphere we find ourselves in on Xbox Live, or if it’s just the fact that every game we play, there are always men there waiting for you… but the real kicker is when such a mythical creature comes in. Divine presence through her voice and her soft ivory tone of beauty, such a presence sends the tongues wagging amongst the horny teens out there and when she walks in… friend request after friend request after friend request. It could be a joke, it could be just humouring, but this experiment was conducted with a friend of mine posing as said voice and well… the results were uncanny.
We were fooling around, and she had the genius idea of seeing how many horny players would come up to help her out in the game of Call of Duty. Posing as a young chick, she would often ask them redundant questions of any sort, trying to irritate as many teens as she possibly could (Search and Destroy, the horny teens harbour). Of course my friend (who was fairly decent at Call of Duty at the time) was playing the whole time, racking up kills like a… like a guy who racks of kills, often killing those trying to help her… and yet each and every time she taunted, they would still try to help her. Often sending her messages, friend requests, and the odd party invite and chat, all the whilst we sat there dumbfounded at how many we got in one night (twelve… god-damn them teens). So the moral of the story is, please… for god-sakes, just treat them as you would I. They aren’t beings of myths, they aren’t demi-gods, they are people like you or I (assuming the reader is a dude).
NUMBER TWO – YOUR JUNK, SOMETHING WE OFTEN FANTASIZE ABOUT… NOT!
I guess the where about this one came from is obvious… it only takes one thirteen year old to start this trend, assuming he’s the kind of dude to boast about such small things… (pun intended). So this is an old one, but reasons I cannot fathom, they still exist online (especially in the odd case in Halo if I trash talk them into coherence… hehe). So when the game starts to roll and starts to speed up into light-speed, I’m just smiling away at the game. Often in Call of Duty, I would kill away, Harrier… Helicopter… Pave Low… then AC-130, but then as I get all happy and my self-esteem at its peak, some guy will come out of nowhere… just out of the clear blue sky, in the middle of the battle, just to tell me, “My dick is so huge… I need duct tape just to keep it wrapped snugly in my pants.” It’s only from there I’m like… well, there goes my day. This act is often put in when woman are present, and I’m damn sure woman aren’t only interested in such a thing… (god I hope not).
This experiment wasn’t conducted, but heard through a series of matches. It was weird, woman talk, the dick-size explodes onto the scene in a sudden act of pride. Not sure if it was pride… or they were just being a bit of a dumb-ass (especially after I slammed them for that A-Z keyboard comparisons), but it was… explosive if you catch my drift for them. The point I’m making here is that… for us other men trying to have fun, we like it very much for you to keep how big your junk is to yourself. I’m damn sure you wouldn’t like me talking to much about how big my moobs are (If I had some, this statement would probably be better) now would you? Now skedaddle you hooligans and let me play Call of Duty in peace (if by any chance you woman are trying to get into gaming, please join Xbox Live! FOR MY SAKE!).
NUMBER ONE – BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, WORDS OF THE CLANS.
Now this is a sensitive word… so I’m not going to go into great detail about it, but the scoop on these actions is that it is very popular with teens, pros, and just douchers who are losing to a team full of new recruits or “noobs” as they would refer to the other teams as (depends if they use an M16, rocket launcher, danger-close, UMP45, Commando, etc). I can’t remember the last time I’ve played a game freely without being considered for the act of rape. Now let’s analyze a statement common throughout Call of Duty… “I’m gonna rape you, you stupid ****ing noob! You only won last game because of your ****ing UMP and Commando, NOOB!” This is the whiley statement common throughout a standard game of Team Deathmatch, especially among people who have “MLG,” or “RAPE” or “PRO” or something of that nature in their profile or clan tag.
When in a standard team deathmatch, such statements are concurred by many of the friends of the origin. Now there are many problems with this statement… Commando is one of the first and most useful perks for people who just start their accounts and/or first/second prestige. It increases melee effective range, and also allows them to jump off cliffs without being hurt, common throughout the ranks of new players. The UMP is a common gun also associated with said class of players, and it’s very effective for what it does. High damage, low weight, and high accuracy are all a plus with controllable recoil that I enjoy using because of such. Danger-close, Light-weight and Commando mix class and Thermal sight users are also susceptible to being called out to such statement and it makes me sad… sad, sad, sad… saddy, sad, sad, sad.
Pro’s, clanies (clan members), douche-bags, and bad-asses are always the proprietor of these statements and it’s just an open invitation to calling them douchebags as such. I mean, if you’re going to bitch this much… I’d join the Navy, listen to what the recruits had to say.
These are just some of the many silly things you can’t do online in a standard Xbox Live match. I’m online watching and listening to such acts being broken and it’s just disheartening to hear it whilst I listen to Coldplay—Hey… a penguin! Peace guys, I’m gonna catch this bastard.