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Friday the 13th is the day you’re most likely to get struck by lightning, run over by an ambulance and stabbed in the face by a bad tempered fella with a hockey mask, so why not do yourself a favor and remain indoors with our top five list of the unluckiest characters in gaming history.
5. Niko Bellic It seems that Niko can’t go anywhere without getting shot at. Every time one of your pals in GTA 4 calls you up and tells you they have some work to do, you know it’s going to end with bullets flying. Pick up a car for Brucie? Sure, let me just get my M4. Roman wants a lift to his poker game? Better bring a flak jacket. Everywhere Niko goes, he brings a shootout with him. He can’t even enjoy a nice quiet funeral without 10 carfuls of villains turning up to try out their new Uzis. Considering how gunfight prone Niko is, it’s amazing that his buds keep pestering him to go bowling. Knowing his luck, he’ll run into a Russian mob boss who just so happens to be out for a company Christmas party with 75 henchmen.
Unluckiest moment: Being born as Roman Bellic’s cousin
4. The Boy from Limbo Don’t. Touch. Anything. The poor unnamed boy from Playdead Studio’s Limbo doesn’t have a chance of making it through the game unharmed. Stuck in a 2D monochrome netherworld, he’s forced to dodge monstrous spiders, hostile tribesman, falling branches, swamps, quicksand, lightning, pitfalls, moving gears and reams of other death traps all designed to kill him dead as soon as he goes near them. Throw Limbo’s complex physics puzzles into the mix and you’ve got one very unlucky young boy. “Trial and death” was a term coined at Playdead, who specifically designed the puzzles to kill you, lots and lots of times. But that’s nothing compared to the sneaky insta-kill booby traps that Playdead have snuck in. The ground you walk on in Limbo is more bear trap than earth, so it’s very easy to lose both your legs in one of the ten million snappy little buggers that Playdead have helpfully hidden underneath bushes, behind logs and even on branches. You can be strolling comfortably along, breathing in Limbo’s beautifully thick atmosphere, when for no reason whatsoever a bear trap comes swinging at you out of a tree, chomping your little black and white pompadoured head off before you can say “dick move.”
Unluckiest moment: Approaching an innocent looking branch, only to get lanced through the face by a gigantic spider leg.
3. Max Payne Christ, where to begin? Max Payne’s misfortune really deserves an article of its own. His family gets murdered, his friend gets murdered, his boss gets murdered, that bloke with one eye gets murdered, more people get murdered then someone else gets murdered, then Max murders his partner...There are so many murders in Max Payne’s life that he has to use slow motion to keep track of them all. In fact, Max is probably pretty lucky, seeing as he’s the only person in the entire series that hasn’t died yet. It’s not through lack of trying. Max gets himself into more shootouts than six John Waynes. Bad guys follow Max around like teenage girls chasing Paul McCartney. Even moving to
Unluckiest moment: Coming home from a hard day at work, only to find that some thugs have spray painted black “V” symbols all over his living room. Oh, and murdered his wife and daughter.
2. Leon Kennedy It’s hard to feel sorry for a man with scarcely enough brains to make a zombie hors d’oeuvre, but Leon really does have some tough luck. Freshly recruited into the local police force,
Unluckiest moment: Quitting the police force, only to be put in charge of protecting the one person in the world stupider than he is.