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The 1st Annual Academy Aweirds

Outrage and potential scandal at the
AMPAS! In a bizarre and controversial
role, president of The Academy Tom Sherak declared that he was “unsatisfied and
bored” with all the nominees for this year’s Oscars. Despite being 64 years old
himself, Sherak declared to the Academy members an emergency assembly this past
Thursday that he was “tired of you old coots stinking up the place with Aqua
Velva and denture cream” and that “they should let their freak flag’s fly.”
With a deranged expression on his face, spittle misting the aghast press, he
asserted that all the current nominees in all categories would become
inelligible for further contention.

Following a barrage of protest, camera
flashes and a light lunch, a frantic re-poll and tally of votes took place and
a new list of nominees was formed. Members scrambled to find the most elitist
fare that would qualify though due to the ensuing chaos and rash choices by
panicked voters, an insider reports that The
Tourist
came dangerously close to breaking the Best Picture top ten. Sherak
concluded the proceedings by naming Ricky Gervais the new host of this Sunday’s
festivities. Here is a leaked list of some of the most prestigious of the newly
crafted categories for Oscar gold.

Best Picture
The Girl with the Dragon
Tattoo
The Ghost Writer
Buried
The Town
Rabbit Hole
Blue Valentine
Shutter Island
Another Year
How to Train Your Dragon
Scott Pilgrim Vs the World

 The likely winner: Blue Valentine

 

Best Director
Roman Polanski; The Ghost
Writer
Ben Affleck; The Town
Christopher Nolan;
Inception
Derek Cianfrance; Blue
Valentine
Mike Leigh; Another Year

The likely winner: Derek Cianfrance; Blue Valentine

 

Best Actress
Emma Stone; Easy A
Chloe Grace Moretz;
Kick-Ass
Anna Hathaway; Love and
Other Drugs
Noomi Rapace; The Girl
With the Dragon Tattoo
Haliee Steinfeld; True
Grit

The likely winner: Haliee Steinfeld; True Grit

 

Best Actor
Ryan Reynolds; Buried
Sam Rockwell; Conviction
Jim Carrey; I Love You,
Phillip Morris
Ryan Gosling; Blue
Valentine
Mark Wahlberg; The Fighter

 The likely winner: Ryan Gosling; Blue Valentine

 

Best Supporting Actor
Kieran Culkin; Scott
Pilgrim Vs The World
Ewan McGregor; I Love You,
Phillip Morris
Michael Shannon; The
Runaways
Andrew Garfield; The
Social Network
Justin Timberlake; The Social
Network

The likely winner: Andrew Garfield; The Social Network

 

Best Supporting Actress
Olivia Williams; The Ghost
Writer
Julianne Moore; The Kids
Are All Right
Mila Kunis; Black Swan
Marion Cotillard;
Inception
Barbara Hershey; Black
Swan

The likely winner: Julianne Moore; The Kids Are All Right

 

Best Original Screenplay
Roman Polanski; The Ghost
Writer
Buried; Chris Sparling
Ben Affleck; The Town
Derek Cianfrance; Blue
Valentine                 
Mark Heyman; Black Swan

The likely winner: Derek Cianfrance; Blue Valentine           

 

Best Adapted Screenplay
Let Me In; Matt Reeves
Scott Pilgrim Vs the
World; Michael Bacall
I Love You, Phillip
Morris; John Requa, Glenn Ficarra
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I; Steve Kloves
How to Train Your Dragon; William Dayies

The likely winner: How to Train Your Dragon; William Dayies

 

Best Visual Effects
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
TRON: Legacy
Unstoppable
Skyline
The A-Team

The likely winner: TRON: Legacy

 

Best Animated Film
Despicable Me
Tangled
Megamind

The likely winner: Tangled

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